My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
