Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
