Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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