i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
