....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
