Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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