Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
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Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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