Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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