I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
