My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
