Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
