I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
