You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
