at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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