I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
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I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
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I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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