she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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