pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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