either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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