when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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