if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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