I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
