Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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