I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
