I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
