the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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