i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
YAS. BRING CRAB.