WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
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When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...