when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
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I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
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Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.