please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i came on her dog
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
