I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
