apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
