if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize