So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
