just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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