just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
