Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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