I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
