nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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