new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
