he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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