i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
