Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
