I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
