she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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