remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
