You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
