google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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