Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
