Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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