My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize