My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
