it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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