I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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