Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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