I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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