I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
