Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
