I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think my fart just growled at me.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
