TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize