I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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